THIS WAS ORIGINALLY POSTED ON MARCH 13, 2008. FOR MORE OF THE ORIGINAL BLOG (MAY, 2006-SEPTEMBER, 2008), CLICK HERE.
Last weekend, as my tour group strolled through the fossil record, I bought a cup of coffee and tried to get some writing done in the basement food court, stupidly forgetting that the basement food court at the American Museum of Natural History is where children come to throw their grandest tantrums. Billed as NYC's top family attraction--and I have no doubt that it is--there's not a place in the tri-state area with a higher quota of screaming, crying, and whining children or of parents fuming, mutually loathing each other, resenting whomever had the bright idea of a trip to the museum, regretting every decision in their lives that brought them to this moment. Night at the Museum is about a security guard at the Museum of Natural History who discovers "an ancient curse (that) causes the animals and exhibits on display to come to life and wreak havoc." This is a comedy. A horror movie would be entitled Coffee Break at the Museum and would also involve an ancient curse that transforms all the children who come through the doors of the basement food court. I gave up writing and decided instead to transcribe the pandemonium around me. Here are selections from one ten-minute period.
"Sit down."
"Do you want me to cut your pizza?"
"We're not getting one of those water bottles."
"Whyyyyy?"
"Because we don't need it!"
"But I waaaaant it."
"Sit down! Sit down!"
"Eat your pizza."
"I need you to tell me why you're upset."
"Keep acting like that and the next stop is going to be the parking garage."
"Use your words."
"Let your mother eat."
"Sit down now!"
"Benjamin, pull it together. Act like a big boy."
"Do you want a time-out?"
"No more juice! No more juice!" (From what I initially thought was an anti-semitic mother.)
"You're so tired."
"No, I'm not!" (Child breaks down and begins to wail.)
"Do you want pizza? Yes or no? Yes. Or. No."
"Stop playing! Yes, you are! Eat your McNuggets." (Note: We were not at McDonald's.)
"No, no! Aww! "
"Joshua!"
"Quick, hold still."
"Here's some water."
"Joshua, you were using a straw."
"I forgot."
"Relax."
"It's all over his shirt."
"Did you pack another..."
"No, I did not pack another shirt."
"Why..."
ICY STARE.
"Come on, sit down."
"Eat your McNuggets."
"You're ready for another time-out."
"That's it!"
THE WORST SEED
A mother and daughter sat near me. The mother looked like she was at her wit's end. She was exhausted, she needed food. She opened her daughter's drink and then turned to her own salad. The girl, who I would guess was four or five, took a sip and made a face. "I don't like this kind." "But that's what you wanted." "I don't like it." "I asked you three times if that's what you really wanted." The girl began to cry. "I'll get you a new drink, but please let me eat some of my salad." The girl continued to cry. "Stop it. You just wasted our money, but I will still buy you another drink. Just please let me eat something." The girl continued to cry. "Have some of my drink." The girl shook her head and continued to cry. The mother ate a bite of salad. "Start eating and I'll get you a new drink soon." The girl did not eat but continued crying. The mother tried to negotiate; the girl would have none of it. Like a rat in its cage repeatedly hitting the lever for the pellet that comes as long as you keep pushing, the girl kept crying, refusing food, forbidding her mother to eat. She learned a long time ago how to swap out her juice.
It took about four minutes, but the inevitable surrender happened: "Fine." The mother left to find the brat's special drink, and as soon as she did, the girl's tears dried up. She straightened, lifting her head from the counter, and began eating. I stared in dumb terror before she turned to me, grinned, and winked. Let the record show that it might have been a blink, but such a chill ran up my back that I threw my coffee away and and hurried for the exit.
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