Tour Guide Blooper: When Ya Gotta Go, Ya Gotta Go

Several New York City guides recently got to swapping embarrassing stories from 2009 and quickly turned to the topic of bathroom emergencies.  Back in October, one of my elderly tourists lost a very important race at Grand Central, which forced a mad dash on the part of her tour guide to seek out a store that sold women's pants, socks and underwear, but that was not the story that won the hearts and minds. 

Wilbur, which is definitely not his real name, told us that he was in the midst of giving a tour on a coach when he felt his bowels begin to tremble.  He knew he didn't have enough time to improvise a stop and rush for a Starbucks, so he said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to have take a pause here to handle something."  He had the driver pull over--he didn't want his tourists to pass anything by while he was away from the mike--and he made his way up the aisle to the lavatory in the rear of the bus.  It was there that he sat, with his tourists sitting on the other side of the thin plastic door.

It gets worse.

"It was explosive," Wilbur admitted.  "Truly, horrible, very audible." 

It gets worse.

"There was no toilet paper."  Gingerly, Wilbur pulled his pants up and returned to the front of the bus where he took the microphone--it gets worse--and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I was wondering if anyone had any tissues I could borrow."

The Old St. Patrick's 200th Birthday

On Sunday, I told my group of forty eighth-graders to meet at 12:45 on Mulberry (which was completely empty) because I figured Mott would be too crowded. After letting them go, I walked over to Mott to learn that an entire parade (fire trucks, humvees, soldiers, and re-enactors) celebrating the 200th anniversary of the old St. Pat's would be rolling up Mulberry at exactly 12:45. Perfect.

 

(But, let the record show, I was still able to get the group to lunch in Times Square with five minutes to spare.)

 

Here they are lining up on Mott for their parade up Mulberry.

 

 

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Ground Zero...Less Than 8 Years After 9/11

ROBERT begins gathering his group on steps across from Ground Zero. 

EIGHTH GRADE GIRL:  Mister Robert, what happened on 9/11?

ROBERT:  What do you mean?

EIGHTH GRADE GIRL:  I mean, like someone bombed it or what?

ROBERT:  No.  September eleventh!  Remember?  The planes flying into the towers?

EIGHTH GRADE GIRL:  They flew planes into the towers?  They must have been suicide bombers or something.

"September 11th.  Never forget."

Too late.

When Tour Guides Say Stupid Things, Part Two

These are three from Elizabeth Meadows Rouse.  Between shoots on The Sopranos and Law and Order: SVU, Elizabeth appeared in several of our bytes—as the Herman Melville fan who needs to be put down on Wall Street in Tranquilizing a Tourist and as Elizabeth Rousie, PhD, at the United Nations in the The Obscene Elephant.

Elizabeth is also a guide, one who has come to resent the humiliation that confronts her in the city's numerous security tents.  Invariably, during the security for the ferries out to the Statue, the metal detector loudly detects her bra's underwire and she's forced to stand with her arms out to the side:  "So then I get 'wanded' in front of all these adolescents and it beeps as it runs over my ample breasts. Everyone looking, giggling...great way to start the day."

 

Here's a story she sent me about the tent at the United Nations:

When Guides Say Stupid Things

From the archives:  originally posted July, 2008.

We’ve had lots of good times laughing at the stupid things some of our visitors have said and done—a very popular feature on this blog—but let’s take a moment to honor a few of the stupid things said and done by the guides themselves.

 

A friend reminded me about a tour he took over for me several years ago.  He was a nervous wreck, trying desperately to remember the names of all the architects and the dates of the buildings and the styles (though very few tourists ever really care about these specifics) and he informed his group that the Woolworth Building which opened in 1913 (correct) was designed by the same architect who did the Customs Building at Bowling Green (correct) and that the architect was Cass Elliot.  (Cass Gilbert was, in fact, the famous architect, Cass Elliot was one of The Mamas and The Papas who sang Dream a Little Dream of Me, and Make Your Own Kind of Music.) 

 

I’ve had my own blunders.

Tour Guide Blooper

TOUR GUIDE TRICK #37632-B-87:  If you're assigned to bring a group to a gallery, store, restaurant, etc. with which you're unfamiliar, and you have no time to do a dry run, no time to check online, no time to call ahead and ask about the proper entrance, or if the phone number only gives you a recording...then you walk slightly ahead of your group, asking passersby inconspicuously to point out your destination, pretending to your group all the while that you've been there a number of times.

WHEN TOUR GUIDE TRICK #37632-B-87 BACKFIRES:  Many years ago, Anonymous was taking her group of middle schoolers to the Mercantile Exchange in the World Financial Center.  To get there, she had to lead the group through the maze of corridors connecting all of the office buildings of the World Trade and Financial Centers.  She knew the general direction of this Mercantile Exchange, but needed help, so she walked several steps in front of her group, whispering to security guards:  "Where's the Mercantile Exchange?  Ssshhh!  Just point, just point!"  As she tried to keep a few paces ahead (and out of earshot) of her group, two of the boys tried to keep up with her.  (There's always a couple who want to attach themselves to the guide's hip.)  Feeling them directly behind her, she picked up her speed so that neither of them would hear her asking directions from the long line of security guards pointing her towards the river, and just as she sensed she knew where she was and where she was going, she let the boys catch up with her and turned to discover that no one else was there.  She had lost the rest of the group way back in the labyrinth.

TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE:  Anonymous told the boys to stay put while she took off to try to find her people, leaving the two kids unattended when the other half of the group, led by another guide, and including the school's principal, turned the corner.  Sadly, that was her first job with this particular company; interestingly, it was also her last.